Christmas Presents

by Inside Joke

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1.
Black Friday 03:00
Wake up thanksgiving, boy am I’m thankful For about 5 minutes then I rush to get a paper Check the doorbusters listed in the ads Gotta see what kinda stuff this year I Gotta have Cuz about 6 the stores they be open First in line is what I’m hoping This Thanksgiving, I be having lots a needs Like a big ole huge 40” flat screen But I’ll have to beat the rush to get me one of these So I hurry up and wolf down my thanksgiving feast All my homies be at my house for the big game When I snatch me a forty-inch on this Black Friday! Chorus Black Friday, Black Friday We going door bustin on Black Friday Black Friday, Black Friday You know we door bustin on Black Friday Spent a few minutes with my family, Then jumped in the car, me Cassius and Double Deez Door busting, on a mission for a new flatscreen Only thing better than one is three Hit up Target for our first stop Line at the door stretch halfway around the block I knew it was for the 40 inch so we bolted Kohls will be better - we wuz hoping Busted through the door “sorry we’re sold out of TV’s” So we grabbed some chia pets and 12-foot trampoline Used Kohls Cash then rolled to Wall-Mart Jumped out the car and grabbed us a cart Snuck in the back, sped for the TV isle On the way there started to compile Emoji pillows, doorbuster underwear Discount DVDs and holiday cookware Cart overflowing as I peep the TV section only 6:30, but not much selection Then I see a big stack of elements - TV goldmine! My 40” flat screen for 299! Chorus Two hours later, left Walmart without much a scene If ya don’t count the lady that tried to punch me didn’t care that I got the TV, Got mad cuz I grabbed the last holiday pack of ladies shaving cream Had to get a little something for Lady K Cuz the TV’s about football on thanksgiving day Got home, hooked it up, watched the big game Then hit the sack, cuz tomorrow it officially… Black Friday!
2.
Thanksgiving, thankful for living Another year to see our family's greatest tradition Turkey on the table, dressing on the side Cheese grits, cranberries but you know what I’m eye’n Pillsbury rolls filling up two bowls. butter slabs be lining up like dominos get out my butter knife, let's go 321 time to butter dem rolls! Chorus Cassius Clay... Christmastime, same rolls coming out of the oven That’s the smell that I be loving Errbody want me to break em off something I don’t care if it’s Christmas you ain’t getting nothing And if you try, you get a punching This was the only Christmas present I was wanting Go buy own rolls down at the store 350 degrees for 20 minutes then butter dem rolls Holiday season got me eating these rolls like Pacman Yes i can, cuz I’m a fan, of all these rolls rolled up in this cardboard cylinder can No matter the brand, put ‘em in a square or circle pan So long as you cooking at least five dozen got to feed this whole Duerson clan And you know I am, get ‘em out when they golden tan, like Jane to Tarzan, Or perhaps more accurately like kryptonite is to Superman But I stick to my gameplan, butter em up and eat em like a madman Going postal like the postman, man I love that Pillsbury dough man All gone? Pre-heat the oven and pop open another can and...
3.
Grinchin 03:48
October I get up like a reindeer Christmas music whole fourth quarter of the year It’s the fall but it cam ea midnight clear So straight to my closet get out my Christmas gear Christmas Sweater comes with a battery pack First cold day at the office I be catchin flack From Agnus Agifer Jermaine and Jack Cuz with my Christmas sweater I rock my Christmas hat Halloween? Naw… I skip it No death, straight to the light of Christmas Scowl all ya want, but time ya listen Christmas is coming, why you be grinchin? Chorus They be Grinching (whoo whoo) They be Grinchin I like to protest at the local manger scene tell all kids Saint Nicholas make-believe stay home for the holidays to remain unseen By my friends, neighbors, and my family You say merry Christmas I’ll say happy holiday Bah Humbug at the Chrismas parade! If it’s got to do with Jesus I be throwing shade I’ll even punch Santa if that’s what it takes One time I did, knocked the jolly right out of the elf And speaking of elf, what’s up with the one on the shelf? Too many families engaging in fantasy It's Dangerous for kids and parents to play make-believe! Says a study I read on the internet somewhere Its abuse to kids! And for those without presents its unfair But you don’t care it’s obvious All your Christmas lights, music, and parties it's obnoxious! Chorus Snowflakes get offended at the mention of the season Saying “Merry Christmas” like the same as treason They be Grinchin no listening to reason They trying to steal Christmas-they thieving! But da Grinch found he couldn’t steal Christmas Unlike the religious, found that Christmas is within us It’s about a gift that only God can give us That we celebrate with fests of roast beast -delicious
4.
You could take my Tyco Track and my race cars You could take my Garbage Pail Kids trading cards Take my walkman ….. take a listen You could Take my Nintendo Entertainment System You can take my buddy that Santa Claus brought Take my Rockem socket robots You can take my Stompers, and my Speak'n Spell footloose VHS tape and my big wheel You can take my snoopy snow cone machine! Take Optimas Prime - it won’t hurt me Take my soundtrack to movie Break’n Take my MJ Zipper jacket — the fake one! Snatch that Koosh ball from underneath the tree Take the moon shoes from right off my feet Gi Joe, wrestling action toys You take all presents but you can’t steal my joy CHORUS Yeah you could holla at your boys try and come and take my toys and you might succeed but you never gonna steal my joy (aye) steal my joy (aye) steal my joy (aye) steal my joy Christmas morn toys be stacking up, I’m racking up More at grandma’s house then we packin’ up, back with us 1 month later, not enough, they attic’n up, No matter my age, no toys can fill my cup Cabbage Patch Doll don’t give me love! Light Year, don’t give me buzz, Atari ain’t what it once was Cap Gun - won’t spark, Light Brite went dark Whoopie Cushion got a hole in it now it can’t fart So if you wanna get it, better get it while the gettin is good No please, I’m serious I wish you would, I wish you could Take Mr. Potato Head, electronic Simon Says Take my 1964 Tops Tony Perez You could take my Captain Grey Skull. He-man and She-Ra Take em all cuz Christmas brings Jesus, who frees us From needing and wanting and wanting and needing The latest Christmas toy cuz our eyes see it Take my self-control so that I wet the bed You could take my right arm and my left leg All that’s left of me is a sternum and head It wouldn’t matter cuz it’s like the song says… I got joy down in my heart, deep deep down in my heart JOY down in my heart deep, deep down in my heart (but you don't hear me though) Chorus I’m setting my mind on the things above I’m setting my heart on the This above I’m setting my eyes on the one who is love Joy to the World, the Lord has Come
5.
Christmas PJs I don’t know what you’re doing tonight’ But baby it’s cold outside First of December, I think it’s time I say Please…. Put on those Christmas PJ’s You know the ones I’m talking about! (The ones that make Kris Kringle Tingle) You know the ones I’m talking about (The baggy flannel ones with the moose on it) BREAK I don’t know what you doing tonight But baby it’s snowing outside Forget the one-horse open sleigh Please, Put on those Christmas PJ’s You know the ones that I’m talking about! (No, I was actually thinking of those other ones..) I think you know the ones I’m talking about (Kitty cats with Santa hats… footies ) Chorus I don’t know what you are wearing tonight But baby its freezing outside December 24, you know what I’m gonna say Please, put on those Christmas PJ/s A cozy Christmas Eve home together (And you could fix me something to eat) We could snuggle by the fire together (I could fall asleep as you massage my feet in your...) Chorus
6.
7.
I got you a little something to celebrate the messiahs Birth And at the same time say I love you this many dollars worth. Gift wrapped with “Prime” tape, around that cardboard Even hired me a mailman for a special delivery to your front door Other guys be talking bout going to the mall to get their shopping on But why do that, when I sit here and get the same thing on Amazon? Don’t have to fill up at exon, (true) don’t have to put my clothes on (true) I can express my love for you here on my phone with my Christmas PJ’s on That’s right girl. I got the smarts Do all my Christmas shopping and never once pushing a shopping cart Send a holiday greeting without the need for a greeting card Can include a note with purchase so no need for Hallmark Christmas wit me, my love collides with practicality Just take that box at the door and put it under underneath the tree A gift from me, frugality, we both will be happy I guarantee Merry cardboard Christmas from the J to the O to the K to the E Verse 2 Granny, I know you been waiting for a Christmas present from me But I didn’t want to get started shopping too early I still got 2 days, you see times have changed Jeff Bezos done flipped the script on the Christmas shopping game Who’s Bezos? He’s like the modern-day Saint Nicholas he sends elf drivers out in Prime trucks with gifts for us Just because help me, don’t mean I fail to see your worth I’m just more efficient at celebrating the Saviors birth
8.
9.
Fruitcake 02:55
Verse 1 Ding dong - sound at the door What is this heavy Christmas package sitting on the floor? Smells kind of funny, (sniff sniff) reflex choke (cough cough) It’s a special Christmas present from Inside Joke! Verse 2 Since I was a kid I be loving fruitcake Can hardly wait for December so I can eat if every day Breakfast, dinner, a big piece at lunch So savory when I hear those pecans crunch Munch munch munch on this green and red fruity cake So dense and yummy the thought of it makes me salivate Talk of raisins and candied cherries got me mesmerized With each bite it's like a special Christmas surprise! Verse 3 Been proven to keep for over 20 years But around here it won’t make it to New Years! Yeah, when it hits yo stomach, it's like a Christmas party An extra special Christmas present to my body And the gift of choice for all these friends of mine A classic present, been around since Roman times! (Fact) Christmas Eve, leave a piece out for Santy Clause But don’t you worry, we got plenty left fo all a y'all! Chorus
10.
Verse 1 I go up into my attic and I get em down. Put some Christmas music on for that seasonal sound Sip on some egg nog while I get’em unwound Cuz you know Inside Joke gonna light up the town! Yeah! I’m putting lights on my house, I put the Griswalds to shame First on my street to get in the game It’s a shame, that I can’t get more! But I done lit my house and the neighbors next door I got big ones small ones, flashing lights’ I be keeping my neighbors up all through night I got em on the doors at the windows and the roof I even got em in my yard in case you needed proof That I love Christmas! Cuz He’s the light of the world! Got lights of all sorts for al the boys and the girls Both young and old, cuz they gosta know That Messiah still bringing light wherever He go! Chorus I got lights on my house, but not for Hanukkah I ain’t gotten on my house for Kwanza In fact, I ain’t got em up for no holiday And I sure don’t got'em up for no Santa in his sleigh These lights be like the lights the led the way For shepherds to find the Savior in the Hay So I keep the wattage blasting through the silent night There ain’t no amount of darkness that can stop The Light! Chorus I got surge protectors blowing up But that don't’ stop me from keeping my lights up Four generators, to keep the current flowing All year long even when it ain’t snowing That’s right I keep my lights on my house all year round Don’t see no need in taking em down Cuz the hassle 2. Cuz it’s profound That Christ still The Light when Santa ain’t in town! Chorus
11.
Christmas day wit my family presents under the tree And this can only mean one thing… unfortunately Kids be getting presents that we don’t need So I quietly go about collecting all the gift receipts I be like “Sorry we already have it” And “I’m not sure it’s gonna fit” Yeah… I got several lines that I can use Lady k just let me handle it Kids, when you get gifts don’t be falling in love wit em An most certainly don’t be opening em Just because it’s a gift from them to you It don’t negate daddy’s rule you know what we do… Chorus We gonna keep the receipt and take it back Keep the receipt and take it back Keep the receipt and take it back We gonna keep the receipt and take it back for the cash! Turnabout be fair play, it can work both ways Take for example last holiday Costco ran a sale on workout clothes A perfect present for my mother in law, and who knows? It might even encourage her to exercise! A Christmas present that could actually help keep her alive? So I had it shipped to her front door Cardboard Christmas arriving on her porch Then December 25 yo I get call Thought she’d be happy... but she wasn’t at all! "Excuse me I won't be needing them And I’m not an XL I’m a medium (We just…) Chorus It's Chrismas...It's Christmas... It's Christmas Don't' give me no trinkets! ...
12.
Yule Log 03:25
Last fall a tree came down Now a big ol tree in my backyard on the ground Called Cassius up, we both got jacked Stretched real good then we grabbed my ax Flannel shirts on we's straight logging Getting funny looks like we'z Paul Bunyan Choppin that wood through winter fog Then out of now where I get the hook for this song! Chorus. I log. We log. Yule log. I log. We log. Yule log. I log. We log. Yule log. I log. We log. Yule log! All-day long We was chopping and cutting Our stack of wood grew from nothing to something! While singing my hook a log caught my eye for some reason I said right here is the Yule Log for Christmas season! So, Christmas Eve, I pull my family together Snowing outside we got Christmas weather A perfect night for this holiday tradition Get out the Bible, so that we can all listen We read the nativity story from the Gospels A Savior is born says Luke the Apostle Yule log on the fire my stoking skills are colossal Celebrate the Yule log while we all drink wassail! Chorus Before we go to bed and our stomachs are stuffed Not feeling too good ate way too much Rolls all gone, No leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch A little warning if you come for Christmas Eve with us… I log. We log. You'll log. I log. We log. You'll log. I log. We log. You'll log. I log. We log. You'll log!
13.
1 ‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house, 2 Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; 3 The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, 4 In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; 5 The children were nestled all snug in their beds, 6 While visions of sugar plums danc’d in their heads, 7 And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, 8 Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap- 9 When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, 10 I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. 11 Away to the window I flew like a flash, 12 Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash. 13 The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow, 14 Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below; 15 When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, 16 But a minature sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer, 17 With a little old driver, so lively and quick, 18 I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. 19 More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, 20 And he whistled, and shouted, and call’d them by name: 21 “Now! Dasher, now! Dancer, now! Prancer, and Vixen, 22 “On! Comet, on! Cupid, on! Dunder and Blixem; 23 “To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! 24 “Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!” 25 As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, 26 When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky; 27 So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, 28 With the sleigh full of Toys - and St. Nicholas too: 29 And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof 30 The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. 31 As I drew in my head, and was turning around, 32 Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound: 33 He was dress’d all in fur, from his head to his foot, 34 And his clothes were all tarnish’d with ashes and soot; 35 A bundle of toys was flung on his back, 36 And he look’d like a peddler just opening his pack: 37 His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry, 38 His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry; 39 His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, 40 And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; 41 The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, 42 And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. 43 He had a broad face, and a little round belly 44 That shook when he laugh’d, like a bowl full of jelly: 45 He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, 46 And I laugh’d when I saw him in spite of myself; 47 A wink of his eye and a twist of his head 48 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. 49 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, 50 And fill’d all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk, 51 And laying his finger aside of his nose 52 And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. 53 He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, 54 And away they all flew, like the down of a thistle: 55 But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight- 56 Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
14.
It's Dec 25th, you know where I be At Mamaw's celebrating Christmas with my family We got Tito, Jason, Andrea, and Joey Kristy, Double Deez, Cassius Clay, and Little G Lady K, Jermaine, Kathy, and B.B. Emma, Kendy, Greenly, and Kateastrophe Anticipating what's under the Christmas Tree But before we open presents, it's time to eat Mamaw be making sure everybody stuffed Having no concept of when enough is enough "Heres another biscuit" I done had five! "you'll need some more grave" Mamaw I don't wanna die! Mamaw just can't take no for an answer Done ate enough to stuff Prancer and Dancer Start to get up "That's all you're gonna eat?" My gut looking swoll from the eggs and meat But I eat some more, what can I say? Even though its the first of three meals this day Eating all dis fried food that Mamaw made Da kids begging to get up so that they can play Mamaw fills my plate, Christmas tunes in the background Mistletoe and holly be hanging all around Smoke from the kitchen reminds me of a club Mamaw giving out lots of Christmas Love Chorus: Giving lots of love the Christmas. Just you wait and see I've got lots of surprises underneath the tree After breakfast, you know what time it is This be when the show really begins Underneath the tree there be all kinds of surprises Got me on edge wondering what mine is Reminiscing of her past gifts Like the pecan log roll and potato chip clips Or perhaps another chirping bird clock And a Spaghetti Strainer from the Mini Malls overstock One time she gave me up a plastic egg tray And got matching bath towels for me, Deez and Cassius Clay When I was ten, Mamaw wrapped me up a pound a bacon There's no telling how many blankets she be making An each December when it starts to get cold Got me thinking bout the year she got me a rooster snow globe Not to mention the gift in the egg nog With gifts like these, who needs a yule log? Chorus: So now the time has come to see what Mamaw gave Trying to focus on the real meaning of this day Opened up the present, I'm stunned and amazed With a gift like this, what was I to say? In high school, Mamaw got me some Santa briefs But I could wear those when all my others weren't clean But this... ain't no way I'm putting these on Mamaw got me a male candy cane Christmas thong!

about

I had a few Christmas songs in the bag.  A couple of songs previously appeared as bonus tracks and I even had recorded a few new ones over the years that have sat idle on my computer.  At the end of last year, I made a goal to release a full-length Christmas album in 2019.  I love Christmas music, after all, and it only seemed right that I release a Christmas classic for families to enjoy—as many have longed for Inside Joke music that can blast all 12 months of the year. (We all know that only Christmas music is allowed to be played October through December). 

As the year churned, I had nothing.  I had some great concepts from brainstorming sessions with Cassius Clay, but no songs to show for it.  I even had music.  Over the years, I would occasionally find a sound that seemed Christmasy.  I had managed to compile several tracks that were perfect for an Inside Joke Christmas album, but I had nothing that seemed very funny or clever lyric-wise.  Time was ticking. 

In my alternate universe known as real life, our family was met with a surprise.  Child number six was on the way!  Not long after learning this news, we found that our unborn daughter, Wylie, had a genetic disorder known as Trisomy-18.  Uncertain if she would live, we headed to the UK Children's Hospital to welcome her into this world on May 8th.  

Live she did!  She exceeded all expectations.  After a couple of months in the NICU, we were home for five wonderful weeks with her before she started to struggle with breathing.  We headed back to the UK PICU where we would stay for over two months.  During this time, Wylie had multiple procedures and open-heart surgery to repair three tiny holes in her tiny heart.

In the PICU one night, I felt as though the Joy of life was being sucked out of me.  As quickly as that realization came over me, I remembered Paul’s words in Colossians 3:1-4:

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

As I was pondering this, my mind wandered off to a Christmas song idea from a year or so ago that centered on the idea of Joy and the failure of Christmas presents to provide real lasting Joy.  Perhaps Beau's obsession with a Christmas present he wanted this year (yes in the middle of summer) had something to do with it, too.  I sat down and after a few minutes on my laptop, I had a new Christmas song, "Joy."  

Over the next several days at the hospital, the floodgates opened and several new songs emerged during late nights typing on my laptop next to Wylie.  Those times were true moments of relief from the intensity of Wylie’s situation.  I was able to squeeze in some time to record the songs while at home.  My friend Kevin Schuer coming over to record his vocals provided me with some of the hardest laughter I have had in months ("Keep The Receipt").  Recording myself telling Karla to “fix me something to eat” on Christmas Eve while decked out in some ridiculous Christmas pajamas makes me laugh even now ("Christmas PJs").  I got a few hard laughs out of challenging Nate to be more dramatic as he performed his Spanish lyrics ("La Misa Del Gallo"). As always, Clay cracked me up hard while lending his vocal talents to several tracks (“Fruitcake,” “Butter Dem Rolls,” and “Yule Log”)! I think Karla even had enjoyed the comedic relief recording improv on "Cardboard Christmas (Intro).”  

So today is the day that I had planned to hit the "send" button and officially release these Christmas Presents to the world (and I use the term “Christmas” loosely).  Yet, last night while finishing things up, we had to return to the hospital after Wylie had her first experience with seizures.  As I write this, I’m back on the hospital floor where I was before with Wylie when God reminded me of the Joy that comes only from Christ—only from setting our minds on the things above and looking beyond the sadness and absurdity this world… even the absurdity that has become “Christmas” these days.  I’m reminding myself of this great truth again as I hit the “send” button officially on yet another collection of foolish songs.  And to be sure, the joy of Christ is not the same as being able to laugh at funny stuff.  But the joy of the Lord may be the only means by which we can laugh in the middle of pain.

Christmas Presents is dedicated to Wylie and the UK Children's Hospital staff, who has saved her life on multiple occasions…including last night!  She is our Christmas present!  I prayed she would be home for Christmas this year and, as I type today, I still have the faith and confidence that will happen!   She is the gift from God who has reminded us of His real power to heal, to save, and to even deliver real joy in the middle of the most difficult of times.  I look forward to laughing with her this Christmas at home as we try to break through into the mystery of Christmas and celebrate the God that made her perfect in His image!  Yes, the God that came to earth as a lowly baby, grew up to display the love, grace, and joy of God to a broken world.  I’m not sure if you will get any of that out of these goofy satirical songs (it would be stretch to do so… I’ll admit), but if laughter is the best medicine, then perhaps they will bring a little healing to you and your family this Christmas!

The Destination Is the Journey,

Inside Joke

(a.k.a. Gavin Duerson)

November 4th, 2019

credits

released November 22, 2019

Props to Cassius Clay for a lot of the good ideas and lyrics.
Kevin Schuer for the butta vocals once again (Keep the Receipt)
Natesty and Maddie Bair for holding it down on La Misa Del Gallo
Lady K for the fun on Cardboard Christmas (intro)

Most of all Wylie and the staff at UK Children's Hospital (see "about this album")

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Inside Joke Lexington, Kentucky

What started out as an "inside joke" has turned into a world-wide movement... sort of. From Lexington, KY, Inside Joke takes rap music back to the days when it was fun, made you dance, and actually rhymed! At the same time, Inside Joke brings a new school vibe, spirituality at times, and a little country grammar to boot! ... more

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